God's Corner 5th Edition

It's happening!!!  I've written like five of these things now, and I honestly thought that we wouldn't get anywhere close.  Let's face it......I've got tons of shit to do and I'm a procrastinator.  There, I said it.  I rested on a whole lot more than the seventh day, I can tell you that.  It's tough being me; and the fact that I'm going out of my way to bless everyone with this extremely informative blog says volumes.

So with that, let's meet these misguided souls and see if I can get them back on track!

Stacie

34 years old

hates little people

Dear God,

  My dog died recently and it's just.......it's just been too much.  I have no desire to live anymore without Mr. Pendleton and our weekly formal tea parties.  My parents say I have to get out there and find a man but it's simply not that easy.  I feel like my soulmate is gone and that I can't have a normal life without him in it.  Is there a way you could resurrect him like in the film Pet Semetary?  I know the moral of that movie is to not make zombie dogs but pleeeeeaaaasee????  I'm pretty sure if you do it as opposed to me burying him in an indian burial ground it will go much smoother!

Dear Stacie,

  What the hell does this have to do with dating in any way?  You sound like you just want me to zap your dog back to life and then act like no big deal I just reanimated your crappy German Shepard.  Well guess what, your precious Mr. Pendleton is right beside me and it looks like he's enjoying...........chewing on my favorite pair of sandals!?!??!  Those were the ones that really let my feet breathe, too.  Anyways, dead is dead so go load up on like 15 to 20 cats tomorrow and see how quickly you go from sad sap Stacie to........uhh...............to whatever the fuck..............Lindsay Lohan?  I'm going with it.

Geoff

16 years old

still believes in tooth fairy

Dear God,

  Why am I so damn horny???  I'm starting to masturbate in between classes at school because I get raging boners that won't go away until I handle business if  you know what I'm saying!!!  I'm afraid I'm going to get caught and turn into the laughing stock of the entire class if I don't stop soon.  Is this hormones?  Do I just have more testosterone than other men and that's why I constantly crave sex?

Dear Geoff,

  You're holding a clarinet in the picture you sent me and asking if you have more testosterone than other men.  Let's take a chill pill, Brock Lesnar, and get back to reality.  This isn't going to end for you anytime soon.  It's going to be a slow, horrifyingly dark road filled with what starts out as gently exploring the boundaries of masturbation, and ends with you watching german donkey porn because everything else is getting stale.  Trust me, it's gonna get weird in the next couple decades and you'll be having sex with things you wouldn't even believe me if I told you.  Don't worry though, because there's always a dude out there doing whatever you're doing with a butt plug in his ass, and that guy is definitely going to hell before you are.

Josephine

33 years old

is naked in this picture

Dear God,

  My man isn't satisfying me in bed anymore!!!  He used to be so affectionate and take his time, now it's wham bam thank you ma'am!!!  I want him to slow down and realize that making love isn't a race, and that my needs are much different from his own.  Every time I try to talk to him about it he gets mad at me and tells me "then maybe you should find someone else if you're not enjoying it".  I don't want anyone else, but I want him to understand that he needs  to be more attentive before I go crazy! What should I do???

Dear Josephine,

  Let me tell you a little story about a guy I knew very well named Samson.  Now Sammy was a good guy, really strong, like strongest dude I had made up until this point.  I must have been drunk or something when I did though because I put all the power in his hair.  So silly of me!  Anyways, he's doing my work and whatnot, being a warrior of god which is badass, then he meets this chick named Delilah and got all lovey dovey over her real quick.  He thinks he's got it all; ruler of the Philistines, badass lady on his arm, couldn't get any better right?  WRONG.  Delilah snags his hair when he's napping on her lap and imprisons him, then has is eyes gouged out and makes him her slave.  

So........what am I trying to tell you?  Pretty simple, actually.  You need to look deep into your boyfriends soul, grab the sides of his face, lean in closely and tell him you will never, ever cut his hair in the middle of the night and you will try your best not to enslave him (unless it's sexual).  If more women did this I think they'd find their romantic lives would run much easier in the long run.  If that doesn't work, then you are obviously a disciple of the angel of darkness and will be dealt swift justice upon your head.  Keep me posted on what happens.

{Another one bites the dust!  Hope to see you guys soon when I deal with touchy subjects such as STD's, do cats have reproductive organs, and what in the world is Andrew Dice Clay up to?  HICKORY DICKORY DOCK!  Later!}

God's Corner 4th Edition

Didn't Easter just happen recently?  I'm pretty sure that was last week if I remember correctly.   Whatever, the pressing matters at hand involve your hormones, not some giant rabbit that shits out colored eggs.  Got some interesting questions this week, let's see what kind of sexual healing I can provide....

Patrick

40 years old

loves scented candles

Dear God,

  I have a great relationship with my wife, but recently have found things a little bit boring around the house since our last child flew the nest last year for college.  We want to build our social circle and possibly get into a group of friends that are more.......open-minded.  I'm not saying that we're swingers or anything, but we're both comfortable enough to think that we could have a purely sexual encounter with another person and not have it affect our marriage.  Think this is a dumb idea?

Dear Patrick,

  OF COURSE I THINK THIS IS A DUMB IDEA.  Why do people keep asking me questions about basically fucking my written word in the ear and expect me to just roll with it??  Dude, seriously.............I don't know what planet you think  I put you on but it surely wasn't planet Snerzgal where I let giant gorgeous women with eight vaginas run around raping any man they please.  I put you on Earth, and last time I checked you follow my rules that state you stay monogamous to women with one bearded clam, got it compadre??  Good.

Shandrea

30 years old

plays accordion

Dear God,

  I think that my boyfriend is cheating on me.  I don't really have any proof, but he is always out late during the week and his clothes smell like perfume.  He says i'm being paranoid but I know shady activity when I see it and he's guilty of it.  I don't want to ditch him without knowing for sure, but I can't keep living like this.  How far should I go trying to catch him in the act?  You know you could just tell me and end my speculation for good wink wink!

Dear Shandrea,

  Is that how you get what you want?  Bribery with a flirty text wink and you think that's gonna get the dude that created you and everyone you know and love to just give you the answers?  I'm a sucker for that stuff usually but not today.  You have insulted me with your petty offerings!  You know that a guy named Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only child to me just because I was like "yo I want your kid dead", right?  I'm just saying at least come up with something that you put some thought into next time.  Make me a paper mache duck or a get me some sort of novelty soap that smells like bacon.  Actually get me anything involving bacon and I'll help you out in the future, fyi.

Chad

28 years old

scared of catfish

Dear God,

  I've been trying to come to terms with my sexuality and my spirituality in recent years.  I'm a devout Christian and give my life to you daily, but I also know that I'm not attracted to women.  I fight against the urges to be with other men, yet find myself giving into my natural instincts more and more.  Is there a way to find peace in my religion and my personal life?  Will I be accepted into the gates of heaven when I die??  

Dear Chad,

  This is a touchy subject.  I like you a lot, Chad.  You volunteer at the animal shelter on the weekends, and I love that.  You have a kind heart and you're considerate of others around you.  That's great.  I also need you to understand that when I say things like you are the true son of the devil and that you're going to aid the eventual fall of the golden age of civilization I'm saying it with a grain of salt.  I don't really want to send you to burn in the flames of evil for all eternity but hey, we're talking about the bible, not the constitution okay?  No amendments allowed.

{another edition in the books!!!  Hope to see you next time when I challenge Jesus to an arm wrestling competition!  Don't count me out, I've got old man strength!!!}

God's Corner 3rd Edition

God's Corner 2nd Edition

God's Corner 1st Edition

He

Greetings Children Of The Light!

Hey guys!  Yeah, it's me!  GOD.  Seriously.

And dude, I get it.  You've been all over the place, looking for the answer.  You want to know why your girlfriend has joined a bowling league that is a mandatory seven nights a week.  Your boyfriend is moving to New Hampshire and he claims it's on Mars where they don't have cell phones yet.  Where is the problem?  Where........is the answer???


The answer, my friends, lies within yourself.  Wait, no......in this blog.  More in this blog than yourself but whatever, the point is I have the key that joins the two together and creates some sort of bastard mutant child of love that would have been aborted if it were up to the hippies.

I will answer questions that will prove to you I AM THE ONE TRUE LORD AND SAVIOR, BOW BEFORE ME OR BURN IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE.  I will also occasionally offer cooking tips and some advice on how to teach your children better manners, because they are mostly out of control nowadays and I will fucking kill you all noah's ark style if it isn't dealt with.  Word of warning.

It going to be fun, exciting, painful, horrifying, reality-altering, and informative.  Can't wait to see what the future holds!  LOL just kidding totally already know!!!

P.S. - it involves enslavement of humankind by hyper-evolutionized frogs