It's happening!!! I've written like five of these things now, and I honestly thought that we wouldn't get anywhere close. Let's face it......I've got tons of shit to do and I'm a procrastinator. There, I said it. I rested on a whole lot more than the seventh day, I can tell you that. It's tough being me; and the fact that I'm going out of my way to bless everyone with this extremely informative blog says volumes.
So with that, let's meet these misguided souls and see if I can get them back on track!
So with that, let's meet these misguided souls and see if I can get them back on track!
Stacie
34 years old
hates little people
Dear God,
My dog died recently and it's just.......it's just been too much. I have no desire to live anymore without Mr. Pendleton and our weekly formal tea parties. My parents say I have to get out there and find a man but it's simply not that easy. I feel like my soulmate is gone and that I can't have a normal life without him in it. Is there a way you could resurrect him like in the film Pet Semetary? I know the moral of that movie is to not make zombie dogs but pleeeeeaaaasee???? I'm pretty sure if you do it as opposed to me burying him in an indian burial ground it will go much smoother!
Dear Stacie,
What the hell does this have to do with dating in any way? You sound like you just want me to zap your dog back to life and then act like no big deal I just reanimated your crappy German Shepard. Well guess what, your precious Mr. Pendleton is right beside me and it looks like he's enjoying...........chewing on my favorite pair of sandals!?!??! Those were the ones that really let my feet breathe, too. Anyways, dead is dead so go load up on like 15 to 20 cats tomorrow and see how quickly you go from sad sap Stacie to........uhh...............to whatever the fuck..............Lindsay Lohan? I'm going with it.
Geoff
16 years old
still believes in tooth fairy
Dear God,
Why am I so damn horny??? I'm starting to masturbate in between classes at school because I get raging boners that won't go away until I handle business if you know what I'm saying!!! I'm afraid I'm going to get caught and turn into the laughing stock of the entire class if I don't stop soon. Is this hormones? Do I just have more testosterone than other men and that's why I constantly crave sex?
Dear Geoff,
You're holding a clarinet in the picture you sent me and asking if you have more testosterone than other men. Let's take a chill pill, Brock Lesnar, and get back to reality. This isn't going to end for you anytime soon. It's going to be a slow, horrifyingly dark road filled with what starts out as gently exploring the boundaries of masturbation, and ends with you watching german donkey porn because everything else is getting stale. Trust me, it's gonna get weird in the next couple decades and you'll be having sex with things you wouldn't even believe me if I told you. Don't worry though, because there's always a dude out there doing whatever you're doing with a butt plug in his ass, and that guy is definitely going to hell before you are.
Josephine
33 years old
is naked in this picture
Dear God,
My man isn't satisfying me in bed anymore!!! He used to be so affectionate and take his time, now it's wham bam thank you ma'am!!! I want him to slow down and realize that making love isn't a race, and that my needs are much different from his own. Every time I try to talk to him about it he gets mad at me and tells me "then maybe you should find someone else if you're not enjoying it". I don't want anyone else, but I want him to understand that he needs to be more attentive before I go crazy! What should I do???
Dear Josephine,
Let me tell you a little story about a guy I knew very well named Samson. Now Sammy was a good guy, really strong, like strongest dude I had made up until this point. I must have been drunk or something when I did though because I put all the power in his hair. So silly of me! Anyways, he's doing my work and whatnot, being a warrior of god which is badass, then he meets this chick named Delilah and got all lovey dovey over her real quick. He thinks he's got it all; ruler of the Philistines, badass lady on his arm, couldn't get any better right? WRONG. Delilah snags his hair when he's napping on her lap and imprisons him, then has is eyes gouged out and makes him her slave.
So........what am I trying to tell you? Pretty simple, actually. You need to look deep into your boyfriends soul, grab the sides of his face, lean in closely and tell him you will never, ever cut his hair in the middle of the night and you will try your best not to enslave him (unless it's sexual). If more women did this I think they'd find their romantic lives would run much easier in the long run. If that doesn't work, then you are obviously a disciple of the angel of darkness and will be dealt swift justice upon your head. Keep me posted on what happens.
{Another one bites the dust! Hope to see you guys soon when I deal with touchy subjects such as STD's, do cats have reproductive organs, and what in the world is Andrew Dice Clay up to? HICKORY DICKORY DOCK! Later!}
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