God's Corner 4th Edition

Didn't Easter just happen recently?  I'm pretty sure that was last week if I remember correctly.   Whatever, the pressing matters at hand involve your hormones, not some giant rabbit that shits out colored eggs.  Got some interesting questions this week, let's see what kind of sexual healing I can provide....

Patrick

40 years old

loves scented candles

Dear God,

  I have a great relationship with my wife, but recently have found things a little bit boring around the house since our last child flew the nest last year for college.  We want to build our social circle and possibly get into a group of friends that are more.......open-minded.  I'm not saying that we're swingers or anything, but we're both comfortable enough to think that we could have a purely sexual encounter with another person and not have it affect our marriage.  Think this is a dumb idea?

Dear Patrick,

  OF COURSE I THINK THIS IS A DUMB IDEA.  Why do people keep asking me questions about basically fucking my written word in the ear and expect me to just roll with it??  Dude, seriously.............I don't know what planet you think  I put you on but it surely wasn't planet Snerzgal where I let giant gorgeous women with eight vaginas run around raping any man they please.  I put you on Earth, and last time I checked you follow my rules that state you stay monogamous to women with one bearded clam, got it compadre??  Good.

Shandrea

30 years old

plays accordion

Dear God,

  I think that my boyfriend is cheating on me.  I don't really have any proof, but he is always out late during the week and his clothes smell like perfume.  He says i'm being paranoid but I know shady activity when I see it and he's guilty of it.  I don't want to ditch him without knowing for sure, but I can't keep living like this.  How far should I go trying to catch him in the act?  You know you could just tell me and end my speculation for good wink wink!

Dear Shandrea,

  Is that how you get what you want?  Bribery with a flirty text wink and you think that's gonna get the dude that created you and everyone you know and love to just give you the answers?  I'm a sucker for that stuff usually but not today.  You have insulted me with your petty offerings!  You know that a guy named Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only child to me just because I was like "yo I want your kid dead", right?  I'm just saying at least come up with something that you put some thought into next time.  Make me a paper mache duck or a get me some sort of novelty soap that smells like bacon.  Actually get me anything involving bacon and I'll help you out in the future, fyi.

Chad

28 years old

scared of catfish

Dear God,

  I've been trying to come to terms with my sexuality and my spirituality in recent years.  I'm a devout Christian and give my life to you daily, but I also know that I'm not attracted to women.  I fight against the urges to be with other men, yet find myself giving into my natural instincts more and more.  Is there a way to find peace in my religion and my personal life?  Will I be accepted into the gates of heaven when I die??  

Dear Chad,

  This is a touchy subject.  I like you a lot, Chad.  You volunteer at the animal shelter on the weekends, and I love that.  You have a kind heart and you're considerate of others around you.  That's great.  I also need you to understand that when I say things like you are the true son of the devil and that you're going to aid the eventual fall of the golden age of civilization I'm saying it with a grain of salt.  I don't really want to send you to burn in the flames of evil for all eternity but hey, we're talking about the bible, not the constitution okay?  No amendments allowed.

{another edition in the books!!!  Hope to see you next time when I challenge Jesus to an arm wrestling competition!  Don't count me out, I've got old man strength!!!}